Hey guys.

I've been emotionally bottling and it affected my performance tonight. I wasn't as open as I should've been, I wasn't as in the moment as I should've been. I haven't been wanting to feel this pain (who would?) so I've been diverting myself from it in anyway I possibly could.

In one way, I feel like I have no right to feel like this. Sarah wasn't really a close friend; she was just someone I knew. Part of me feels like I'm whining, that I shouldn't be hurting that bad, not bad enough to burden other people with my troubles. That's why I didn't tell the Laramie Project cast, aside from Kat. I guess on some level, I don't want people feeling sorry for me. That's not to say that I really really appreciate all the kind words and thoughts. I do appreciate them. Maybe on some level I don't feel like I deserve them.

Maybe I just need to feel this. Give myself the right, the validation to feel BAD about the stuff that's going on here, especially when it's someone I knew.

I was talking to Bill today, and when I told him why I had a sad away message up for the last few days, I told him about Sarah. It turns out that he knew Sarah too, sort of indirectly, like I did. One lost life - so many people affected. It's like they say in Islam - if you kill one person, you kill the whole world. If you save one person, you save the whole world...

On the plus side, Lia (a friend from the show) offered to take me around the area after the show was over, as a kind of post-show cast trip. That was super sweet of her. I'm definitely going to take her up on it.

Thanks for reading. I love you guys.