I've come to the realization that I haven't been happy with my performances since Thursday night. I need to give them more, more reality. I think reading that Meisner book has forced me to really really think about what I'm doing up there. A very large part (the majority at this point) is wondering if I'm cut out for this at all. I need to daydream some crafting up for my monologues now. My characters need to become deeper, and perhaps less like caricatures. I am also acutely aware of the audience, since all of my monologues are directed towards them, with the exception of the last Jedadiah monologue. I need to work more.

Also, today, since it was the last performance until Wednesday, and it's been getting rather chilly, I decided to take my leather biker jacket home. So instead of carrying it, I wear it, as it's actually chilly enough to wear it and not feel overheated (which is depressing; I came here because it was supposed to be warm!). I realized that I was wearing the EXACT same clothes that I was when I got on that plane. Same boots, same hoodie, same jacket, same Skinny Puppy T-Shirt... Fucking weird, that. It has strong resonances for me, since I'm leaving so soon... :(

I've got to think about those good parts about being home, and try not to think about the bad parts.

Hey guys.

I've been emotionally bottling and it affected my performance tonight. I wasn't as open as I should've been, I wasn't as in the moment as I should've been. I haven't been wanting to feel this pain (who would?) so I've been diverting myself from it in anyway I possibly could.

In one way, I feel like I have no right to feel like this. Sarah wasn't really a close friend; she was just someone I knew. Part of me feels like I'm whining, that I shouldn't be hurting that bad, not bad enough to burden other people with my troubles. That's why I didn't tell the Laramie Project cast, aside from Kat. I guess on some level, I don't want people feeling sorry for me. That's not to say that I really really appreciate all the kind words and thoughts. I do appreciate them. Maybe on some level I don't feel like I deserve them.

Maybe I just need to feel this. Give myself the right, the validation to feel BAD about the stuff that's going on here, especially when it's someone I knew.

I was talking to Bill today, and when I told him why I had a sad away message up for the last few days, I told him about Sarah. It turns out that he knew Sarah too, sort of indirectly, like I did. One lost life - so many people affected. It's like they say in Islam - if you kill one person, you kill the whole world. If you save one person, you save the whole world...

On the plus side, Lia (a friend from the show) offered to take me around the area after the show was over, as a kind of post-show cast trip. That was super sweet of her. I'm definitely going to take her up on it.

Thanks for reading. I love you guys.

What happened to Sarah makes me think of this comic. It's on ASofterWorld.com for October 31st, 2003.

It's got three panels dividing up a picture of two people hugging beside a car.

First panel:
I'd like to read a story in the newspaper that ends with

Second panel:
"but she was just having a bad dream,"

Third panel (with picture of the people hugging):
"really, she's okay."


Do yourself a favor and take a look at that site. It's some of the most brilliantly simple, bizarre, elegant, and touching stuff I've seen in years.

Hi guys,

These last few days have been pretty rough. Though tonight, the show went really well. There were a lot of old people in the audience, mostly Kat's parents' retired friends. The show went perfect, aside from a few multimedia mistakes.

After the show, Shae and Kat had a "talk" which lasted about an hour, so Will, Gatsby, Hamish, and I all got to hang out. I really enjoyed myself, you know? It helped me not think about Sara and other things like that.

We started talking about the ghost "Earnest" that lives in the Cement Box, and how he's a good, kind spirit who likes the place, and likes making people feel at home. Gatsby told us about how his sister, who died at birth, is watching over him. His mother went to a "clairvoyant" who looked at a picture of Gatsby and said she saw a baby with him. It's a nice thing to think about.

After Shae and Kat came out, we went back into the theater and shut all the lights off... Waiting, listening, thinking about Earnest. Gatsby said the nicest thing:

"I wonder if Matthew came to see the show."

It was just so wonderful. I remarked that I saw some kind of flickering light, even though the theater was pitch black. Everyone but Gatsby eventually saw it. Not creepy... reassuring. I liked it. I liked that I was the first to see it. Maybe Earnest was showing himself to me...

It was a really wonderful, spiritual moment.

Then we opened the door, and some guy from the cast of Grease was pissing on it.

He ran off, and Shae made him go and clean it up by throwing a bucket of water on it.

It was a nice night, overall.

I sort of feel guilty having such a nice night after hearing such terrible news. But I've got to keep on living you know? While I didn't know Sara too well, she struck me as the kind of person who'd want me to have a good time with the show and be happy with my theatre buddies, even after all this happened.

Love,
Justin

Comment, you guys!

Sarah's body was found in a ravine in a park. This is the article from Associated Press:

Body in NYC Park Is Missing Drama Student

NEW YORK (AP) - A woman found strangled in an upper Manhattan park was identified through dental records Wednesday as a missing Juilliard drama student, the medical examiner's office said.

The death of Sarah Fox, 21, was declared a homicide after the autopsy determined the cause, said Ellen Borakove, a spokeswoman for the medical examiner's office.

Fox, who lived less than a mile from the spot in Inwood Hill Park where her body was found, was last seen May 19 as she left home to jog or work out at a gym.

Volunteer searchers found the body Tuesday in a wooded ravine south of the Henry Hudson Parkway, near the northern tip of Manhattan.

She was a third-year drama student at the Juilliard School, one of the nation's most elite institutions for music and drama. Among its drama alumni are William Hurt, Elizabeth McGovern, Christopher Reeve and Kevin Kline.

Fox had taken a semester away from the pressures of Juilliard to get to know the city and herself, said her mother, Lorraine.

``One of the things she said to me is, 'Mom, I'm exploring my neighborhood,''' Lorraine Fox told the Courier-Post of Cherry Hill, N.J.

The discovery left students at the school shaken.

``It can't be possible,'' voice major Solange Merdiniam, 20, said tearfully.

Fox previously attended Southern New Jersey Academy of the Performing Arts. Elsewhere, police and volunteers in Corvallis, Ore., were searching for a 19-year-old college student who they said might have been kidnapped.

Brooke Wilberger a student at Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah, was last seen Monday at an apartment complex managed by her sister and brother-in-law.

Police Capt. Robert Deutsch said Wilberger's purse, keys and other personal items had been left in her sister's apartment. A piece of her clothing was found in the parking lot, a possible indication that she was abducted, he said. Her car also was still in the lot.

Also, my friend Sharon found this bit about Sarah on the Julliard diary website about some kids visiting the school.

One morning, I woke up at about 5 a.m. to a lamp's light and the sound of a stapler. I looked down from my bed to find my roommate, third-year actor Sarah Fox, making something. When I asked what she could possibly be making at such an hour, she said, "Oh, I am making a going-away present for my student. She's leaving really early, so I am making it now. Sorry for waking you up; I just wanted to make her feel special and let her know that whenever she comes to New York, she always has a couch to crash on." Sarah also told me how much she enjoyed the Experience students' giving spirit: "As students here, we are always so busy that it's not often that we have the opportunity to share the energy they brought to us. I just wanted to thank her."




I didn't know Sarah well, but I am still shaken. Death can come for us at any time in any place.

Thank you everyone for your kind words, thoughts, and efforts.

HEY GUYS LISTEN UP RIGHT NOW.

A FRIEND OF MINE, SARAH FOX, HAS GONE MISSING IN NORTHERN MANHATTAN.

Here is the website with her photo and her description, as well as contact information for anyone who knows anything:

http://www.usa411.com

Please take a look at it, and keep an eye out for Sarah.

She is a very sweet girl, and I'm trying to do everything that I can right now from Australia. This has mainly consisted of sending out a mass e-mail to virtually everyone I know, and some people I don't even talk to anymore, in hopes that someone will know SOMETHING.

Also, if the link doesn't work, leave a comment or IM me at Typhoon921 or e-mail me at Typhoon921@aol.com.

Please please please please please please be safe you guys.